The quiet work of anger

Anger has a poor reputation in therapy rooms and in families alike. We are taught to manage it, breathe through it and apologise for it. Much less often are we taught to listen to it.

What anger is for

Anger is the feeling that arrives when something you value has been crossed. It is information about a boundary, delivered loudly because quieter signals were ignored. People who say they never get angry have usually learned, very young, that it was not safe to.

Where it goes when it is not allowed

Unexpressed anger does not evaporate. It turns into exhaustion, sarcasm, a tight jaw, or a low mood that will not lift. A surprising amount of what looks like depression has old anger folded inside it.

A more useful question

Instead of asking how to get rid of the feeling, try asking what it is protecting. The answer is often something tender: your time, your dignity, a younger version of you. Anger that is understood rarely needs to shout.