Same fight, different day
Why couples have one argument in a hundred costumes, and how to step out of it mid-sentence.
5 min read
Ask a couple what they argue about and you will hear a list: dishes, money, in-laws, lateness. Listen to the arguments themselves and you will usually hear one. One person reaches, and the other retreats. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws, and both end the evening feeling alone.
The pattern is the opponent
Neither of you invented this dance, and neither of you is its villain. The person who pursues is usually frightened of being left. The person who withdraws is usually frightened of getting it wrong. Seen that way, the two of you want the same thing, which is to feel safe with each other.
Call it while it is happening
The most useful sentence a couple can learn is some version of: we are doing the thing again. Said without blame, it turns two opponents into two people noticing the same weather. Take twenty minutes apart, and agree a time to come back. The coming back is the part that matters.
If you cannot find the exit on your own, that is not a sign the relationship is over. It is what couples therapy is for.
A note on this writing
The journal is general information, not medical advice. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 in the US, or go to your nearest emergency room.
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Same fight, different day
Why couples have one argument in a hundred costumes, and how to step out of it mid-sentence.